


i'm afraid because i love you

by orphan_account



Category: MXM (Band), NU'EST
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Mostly Fluff, but Jonghyun is emotionally constipated, there's a tiny bit of kissing, tiny bit of implied sexual content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-25 15:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13837668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: jonghyun is an overthinker and eventually catches feelings with a boy in his class who he honestly wants to get into his pants but at the same time afraid.oh and jonghyun likes cats.





	i'm afraid because i love you

 

 _youngmin. im youngmin._ even the name itself was beautiful to him.

 

* * *

 

they met earlier this semester where they both took economic class together. their relationship didn’t really started of as total stranger, jonghyun was familiar with him and probably youngmin too must have heard of him in passing, they both had similar acquaintances— mind you that jonghyun doesn’t really socialize so practically his friends are also youngmin’s friends and vice versa— but they never officially met or hang out together. even so jonghyun was a bit relieved for a fact that a friend of a friend was in the same class (he’s an awkward potato) and had someone to have him as a plus one in a group project. what jonghyun didn’t take into account was how youngmin was supposed to look like, if he knew he was sure he can do better (not really). clearly, he was stunned when he first laid eyes on the boy—having minki as his best friend it should’ve made him immune to pretty faces— youngmin legit glowed. he didn’t know how but he freaking glowed. that day, the lecture went by quickly and jonghyun couldn’t even manage a word to him. all he could remember was him gawking stupidly and the sight of youngmin’s back when he exited the lecture hall (because he was ogling at him for the whole two hours of lecture)

the second time, he’d had better preparation. one thing jonghyun is sure of his life is to learn from past mistakes. so before class started, he had done a few simulation in his head on how his intros were going to be:

_‘hi, im jonghyun. you must be youngmin. i’m friend with minhyun and minki. they are your mutuals too right? it must be f—‘_

‘hi, is this seat taken’ someone interrupted his mental dialogues, he internally cursed. good riddance, for the record the hall is hella big and there were a lot of empty seats when he arrived. jonghyun turned to the left with grim expression, intended to chase away the intruder, lo and behold it’s freaking (still glowing) im youngmin. he was awestruck, yet, thankfully he could scramble out a stuttered _y-y-yes i mean no. you can seat here_. the glowing man then gave him the most breathtaking smile, jonghyun had ever witnessed ‘thank you’ he says before sitting next to him.

 

he was about to say his practiced intros when youngmin beats him again by saying ‘you must be jonghyun right? minhyun’s cute friend’

jonghyun felt his face warming. _did, did, glowed man just says he’s cute. god,a looker and a sweet talker_. jonghyun tried his best to hide that he was embarrassed but flattered nevertheless at the compliment.

‘i’m minhyun’s friend alright. not sure about the cute part’ he let out a small chuckle and averted his eyes away (eye contact is difficult if the other is glowing) he makes himself busy by rummaging through his backpack that he’d laid flat on his right, searching for his notebook and pen. he ignored youngmin who was boring holes at the back of his head. the staring had been too long for his comfort.

youngmin noticed the subtle red across the other cheeks. a smirked plastered on his face, feeling a bit proud that he managed to have an effect on jonghyun. he mumbled ‘you’re still cute though’ (more to himself but it still reaches jonghyun’s ears) before he returned his focus to the professor who was about to start the lecture.

 

and jonghyun still tried his best to at least pretend he was paying attention in class and wasn’t distracted with youngmin being so close to him and also had call him cute, _twice_.

he prayed hard to at least passed this paper or at least manage to get out of it alive and not a messy puddle of goo.

 

_____

 

now, after getting to know youngmin, they discover that they cross path quite frequently. not only that they have mutual friends, they were also under the same faculty. it’s strange to both of them that only now they share the same class and can have decent conversation. most of the time it’s decent, if youngmin doesn’t flex too much of his very handsome face— jonghyun is just weak— so jonghyun can form coherent words and get the flow uninterrupted. they also found themselves grabbing lunch together intentionally which later aroused suspicion from their friends (mostly on him)

 

‘you guys are friend?’ minki had a confused yet intrigued look on his face as he settles down next to jonghyun, placing his lunch on the table. ‘i didn’t know that’ there’s a slight excitement laces in minki’s word and jonghyun doesn’t like it when minki is excited.

 

‘yes minki, i’ve told you before as i recalled. we took ecos together’ he motion his hands to him and youngmin who’s sitting on the opposite side. as a reply youngmin smiles brightly at him and that made jonghyun flinches a bit. he tries to cover it by quickly taking a big bite of his fried rice and swallows it as quickly.

 

‘i see’ minki hums knowingly. jonghyun doesn’t even knows what minki knows. but he had bad feelings about it.

 

_____

 

he shouldn't be glad that his friends were also friends with youngmin. he didn’t want his friends to know that he’s now having a big fat crush on someone, and that someone was a lot closer than they think.

they are having their usual friday night meetups. aron hyung was supposed to bring them to eat at some fancy restaurant but he cancelled on them because of a company conference. so, being four broke college students the only option they have is having minhyun orders chinese takeouts and get them delivered to dongho’s apartment—he’s the only one with functioning tv— and marathoning any movies that interest them.

it is nearing midnight and they are on their third films. jonghyun places his head on minhyun’s shoulder, transferring all of his weight. minhyun wraps his arm around him and his fingers are carding jonghyun’s hair. the actions makes his eyelids grow heavier, he can’t even digest what’s happening on the screen. he almost dozes off when minki suddenly breaks the silence.

 

‘y’know jonghyun is friend with youngmin’ he’s snapped awake at minki’s statement. minki make sure to _emphasize_ on the word ‘friend’ which to him holds a different meaning than what it is.

 

‘oh really’ minhyun sounds genuinely surprised. ‘i didn’t know that’

 

‘that’s what i’m saying. it’s, odd’ minki is reading too much into this. he isn’t ready to expose his feelings and too fucking sleepy to not make his crush sounded pathetic than it feels.

 

he decides to ignore them and buries his face on minhyun’s chest. he hopes the taller gets the signal that he doesn’t want to talk about it. minhyun was about to speak when—

 

‘it isn’t odd minki’ dongho suddenly interrupted. ‘we are all friend with youngmin so it isn’t odd for jonghyun to befriended him’

 

‘i guess’ minki isn’t entirely convinced. sure youngmin is a familiar name and face within their group of friends. he sees him around a lot. but it’s jonghyun we’re talking about unlike minki who’s a social butterfly by default he needs to know everyone (especially one with good face and fortunately youngmin owns an excellent face)

 

‘yeah, we’ve known each other since high school. what so weird about that’ dongho says before letting out a big yawn.

 

minki looks dumbfounded ‘wait, so you’re friend with youngmin since high school?’

 

another yawn from dongho as he rubs his eyes sleepily with the back of his hand ‘duh, we all did’ minki facepalms afterwards and minhyun just laughs heartily.

 

jonghyun let out a sigh. silently he’s grateful that dongho indirectly divert the whole topic into a different direction. as of now, minki is calling him a big doofus and it made dongho equally confused and pissed. which lead them to bicker more and completely forgetting what their initial topic was. he inhaled deeply into minhyun’s chest. minhyun starts to card his hair again, whispering a soft ‘sleep’ and jonghyun falls deep into slumber, drowning away the noise of minki’s unending complaints to dongho. he had a smile on his face thinking that he should treat the poor man to a meal.

 

_____

 

jonghyun really did become youngmin plus one.  _huh, he really need to be careful on what he wish for_. this is great is what jonghyun'd thought at first. when the professor announces that they will be a group project and everyone needs to partner up, his anxiety kicked in, no, it hits him like a wrecking ball and he breaks into cold sweat at the idea of asking random person to do a project with him, only to be rejected. he almost forgot that youngmin was also an option, _the best actually,_ he only whips back to reality when youngmin himself had asks for them to be together while showing his nice pretty smile that makes his cheeks rise and his eyes will slanted upwards, showing his raw sincerity that makes jonghyun heart swells. 

 

this is not so great is what jonghyun thought a few moments later. youngmin decides that their first discussion can be done at his place and jonghyun agrees without thinking much about it.

‘who’s your roommate’ he asks before he sips on his vanilla latte with courtesy of youngmin paying, he says that they should celebrate their first time coming together as a group mate. it’s pretty childish for his standard but who is he to deny youngmin’s adorable side. they make their way to the coffee shop near their campus and jonghyun blushed a little for the _almost-date-like_ atmosphere they are in. he clears his throat to shove away the thoughts and get his mind back on track.

‘i live alone. used to have one but not anymore’ he says as his eyes are watching the swirls in his iced coffee as he stirs it with a straw. there’s an air of loneliness when he says that which later he swiftly covers up, as he chirpily adds ‘and i’m excited to have you to come over jonghyun maybe you should just sleepover’

 

he knows that youngmin’s giving him a harmless suggestion with a harmless smile. and jonghyun can’t help but to mirror his wide stretch smile too. later when they part way, jonghyun is preparing himself to sleep after he takes one long shower. he’s too tired to play his games or watch his anime series. so he dips into his bed, snuggling cozily under his sheets and is about to count the sheeps, when an alarming buzz resonates in his head which makes him belatedly realizes he’s going to youngmin’s house with the prospect of a sleepover. the buzzing also remind him that he’s the one having feelings. he slowly comes to a conclusion that this is not so great after all.

 

_____

 

if anyone asked what makes ___ him. he’s going to fill it with a big freaking **overthinker** (in bold) because he’s the epitome of someone who thinks a lot and cares a lot but managed to fuck up a lot more. he should’ve calm his nerve and think of other ways to avoid being alone in a foreign room with a person he sometime fantasizes about in a not so decent thoughts. he was thinking of changing their future work-space to his apartment where he has minki so they aren’t alone for most of it. no, minki is an unpredictable liable he would bail or _worst_ , embarrassed him. next option, he could asked min—no, no, that’s a total no go. they still had some issues in need for closure. minhyun is out of question, getting him involved would only turned the situation stickier and a lot more uncomfortable.

 

_youngmin previously had asked whether minhyun and him was dating. he got that a lot but he can’t help but grimaces each time, its like a bitter aftertaste lingering in your mouth. he asked back what makes he thinks that they were dating._

_‘well the two of you are weirdly close. remember i do refer you as minhyun’s cute friend and that says a lot’ he can’t exactly deny that. but the fact that jonghyun tuned out everything else only to registered that youngmin had called him cute again and without a doubt turned him beet red, also says a lot. he remembers convincing youngmin a bit too eager that day and the taller of the two laughs at his foolishness ‘you’re so cute’. he reached out his palm placing them on his cheek to caress them lovingly. truthfully, it takes everything in jonghyun not to melt into a mess puddle of goo._

after a long battle with himself he decides to just go to youngmin’s apartment. he got plenty of self-control. and he’s there to work on their project. those not so decent thoughts can wait. (or if something really goes wrong and youngmin ended up hating him. sure, he’ll live even with his heart’s shattering into million pieces)

 

_____

 

 

 

youngmin is straddling on top of him. _wait, this is not how it should be._

his eyes flicker down to his lips before licking his own. _wait, wait, wait just a fucking minute._

 

jonghyun places both his hands on youngmin’s chest. eyes widen as he stops the other from leaning down any further.

 

‘wait youngm—‘ he was cut short with youngmin crashing his lips into a messy kiss and he couldn’t help but reciprocate with the same intensity and desire. jonghyun basks under youngmin’s touch, he shivers a bit when youngmin’s hands goes under his shirt, causing his shirt to rise up and exposes a silver of his skin. he tenderly caresses his tone and lean stomach and it automatically makes he moans into youngmin’s mouth, parting his lips apart.

 

youngmin uses this chance to slip his tongue into the other mouth as he lick jonghyun’s bottom lip and jonghyun’s conscious hits him for the second time. and he slowly pushes youngmin off. youngmin whines as he chases jonghyun’s lips when he pulls apart. he  chuckles, totally amused at how needy youngmin is (who’s the cute one now he prompt)

 

‘hey, is this-is this okay?’ he asked a bit out of breath from their impromptu and intense make out session.

 

‘it’s fine. i want it as much as you do’ youngmin says as he cups jonghyun’s face with his hands, using his thumb to rub circles on jonghyun’s cheekbone, he places his forehead on top of his. and let out a sigh  ‘to prove it to you let me—‘  

 

youngmin starts to move south bringing his face _down, down,_

_very,_

**—**

_painstakingly,_

_slow,_    without breaking eye contact with him. it exhilarates him to the core as he’s seeing the man of his fantasy doing things that usually only remained as fantasies, in flesh. it’s 10 no, 100 times better than what he could ever imagine.

 

jonghyun swallows the lump in his throat  when youngmin’s face reaches his groin. he can feel youngmin’s ragged breath ghosting over his sensitive part.

 

‘let me help you, hm? ’ is what youngmin says and jonghyun at this point doesn’t trust his voice anymore. instead he gives him a frantic nod and the taller boy starts to unbuckle his belt off and jonghyun just let himself surrender and falls deeper into youngmin’s touch. he belatedly again realized that he’s fucked up and this is bad, _very bad_. in a leap of faith, he hoped youngmin wouldn’t hate him as much as he thinks he would.

 

 

 

 

_____

 

it’s enough to say their first session isn’t exactly their last. a few of their project meetups always ended with their limb all tangled and their faces all flushed— to be honest most of their discussion ends with something similar. even when it’s not a hungry full-out make out session, youngmin will still gives him long and languid kisses just because he can (wants). still, being with youngmin is all it matters to him and youngmin who had found home on his lips is only an added bonus points. he’s pretty sure they are making progress in their relationship right?

right? to be honest again, jonghyun doesn’t really know what to label ‘them’. youngmin is nice, kind and very keen on doing skinship— even more after they _work_ together— it’s a lie if he says that, he doesn’t feel butterflies fluttering in his stomach when youngmin intertwined their fingers or when he drapes his unnecessary long arm around his shoulder to bring jonghyun closer to him. its like the casual approximate distance he intentionally creates isn’t already making him hyperventilate and yet, youngmin had to find ways to stick on jonghyun like magnets, reducing him to choke on air more often.

every little things youngmin does effect jonghyun in some ways. that’s why he’s desperate to have an establish ground in this still vague connection between them. also that’s why he’s more than willing to open up (he rarely does—maybe only to aron or minhyun) to his friend as he’s (dramatically) in a dire state of getting his heart crushed for good reasons.

 

_____

 

he should’ve known better than to tell his friends about his situation. he sometime forgets that his small circle of friends are all a-hole who gain pleasure from his suffering (what a bunch of sadist). all he wanted were some good and wise consultation about his messed up love-life.

and he was wrong to think he can get any (well, not easily)

 

‘i knew it! i fucking knew it! see, My instinct never fails me. i knew that jonghyun never eat lunch with someone to be _just friend_ ’ minki slams the bowl of popcorn he’s been holding onto the coffee table, spilling its content all over. dongho scowls at minki for wasting precious food and also for staining his newly purchased table.

he ignores the man before continues ‘ha! y’guys owe 10 bucks’ jonghyun can’t believe that his friends actually made a bet on him (bet is about him getting physical before committed) because minki had receipt that he’s actually a horny-ass—he couldn’t resist the temptation of getting into someone (youngmin’s) pants— and he knows him too well thus he easily wins the bet.

‘so, you guys are like fuck-buddies’ dongho bluntly states as he takes a handful amount of popcorn and shove them in his mouth. jonghyun’s face redden. right, he needs to spill more details. they didn’t really went that far, he’s a tiny bit afraid if he shows youngmin how he wants to eat his face, _very explicitly_ , he’ll scare youngmin away.

 

he shrugs the thoughts out ‘not really, we just kiss and touch and stuff’

 

‘aw, cute. you only kiss him and you already loved him’ minki coos. he’s unsure whether the pretty boy is being sarcastic or genuine.

 

something got caught in his throat at the l-word. commitment was never his best forte in life. jonghyun groans into his hand, bringing them to cover his face. he questioned himself too. probably he was momentarily possessed by a ghost. yes, it’s the only logical explanation, _jonghyun thought_ , for his sudden courage and bravado to even caught up in this stupid one-sided?—mutual, maybe— pinning. his brain’s all jumbled up and it hurts more as he searches for better solutions.

he feels a hand on his back. he looks up and comes to the view of minhyun‘s reassuring smile. minhyun, sweet and caring minhyun, the only one in the group that he can actually rely on.

 

minhyun move his hand onto his shoulder, giving him a firm squeeze. ‘i know you’ve severe bad habit of self-degrading and overthinking’

_ouch._

‘but i’m sure youngmin is lucky to have someone like you jonghyun. you’re a beautiful man both inside and out. don’t be so tough on yourself hm. just talk to him ok?’ his words are wrapped in nothing but pure intention and gentleness, it almost makes jonghyun cries. instead he grabs onto minhyun hands, bringing them to his chest and keep holding onto them for the rest of the night. ‘ok. maybe i should’

 

‘that or you could just fuck him’ cue dongho and minki high-fiving.

 

_____

 

he skips gleefully on the side of the street. the weather is warm and sunny with the right amount of cloud clustering the sky to provide enough shades. which also mean today’s a perfect day for a date. and youngmin is on his way to meet jonghyun. no matter how many times his two long legs are striding his way towards jonghyun, the excitement never ceased away. he loves doing things with jonghyun. seeing the other being all small and shy next to him is so loveable and he can sacrifice his time and life just to watch him all-day.

jonghyun’d texted him earlier to meet at a cat cafe. he says he’d been meaning to go there but alone in a cat cafe doesn’t seem like a pretty picture. so, since they’ve become each other (unofficial) plus one, there’s nothing wrong in accompanying jonghyun to fulfill his adorable wish.

when he enters the shop, there’re tiny bells attached above the glass door that announces his presence. the worker on duty hurriedly welcoming him with her work ethics bow and smile. he acknowledges the lady with a nod and he darts his eyes around the shop, searching for a familiar face that he, _not so_ , secretly adores.

at the corner of the shop, he registered a silhouette with silky raven hair that’d looks —he knows is— soft even from a distance. he’s crouching down leveling his eyes with a big russian blue, patting the feline with mirth crinkling in his eyes and youngmin feels as if the man is lost in his own personal cat-world. _and god, he wishes he can be apart of that too._  

he tiptoed quietly towards the man and jumps onto his back, and said man—jonghyun was scared out of his wit, with the inclusion of also scaring the cat. youngmin almost feels bad but rather he finds jonghyun’s (and the poor cat’s) reaction hilarious. he punches youngmin playfully on the arm and as a retort he enveloped jonghyun into a tight hug. tugging him under his chin. he breathes a _‘i miss you’_ on his hair. and if he listens very carefully he can hear jonhyun’s reply in small, shaky voice _‘me too’_. and that’s all youngmin ever needed.

they choose to sit in the corner. he notices how the smaller man in front of him is fidgeting under his oversized white sweater—he may sounds stupidly in love but it looks super cute on him. somehow they were too quiet and youngmin feels a slight discomfort at the silence that hangs between them. it feels like jonghyun is about to cut him off from his world and at the thoughts alone it's causing pain in his chest. however, the first sentence that jonghyun utters to break the chained silence was beyond him.

‘do you like me, youngmin?’ his pupils grow a radius bigger at the question. if he must confess right now about his raw and clumpy feelings towards him, he must say the word _lik_ e isn’t what suffices describe them. but, youngmin doesn’t want to be too forward and he’s not yet ready to embarrass himself with his cringe worthy words.

he regained back his composure and he stares deeply into jonghyun’s eyes. he studies jonghyun’s determine face closely. it feels as if he’s about to let down the wall he long built and _maybe_ he wants to take him in. _maybe, just maybe_. he smiles ‘of course jonghyun. i like you, more than you can imagine’

 

‘oh’ jonghyun looks down on his palms resting on his thighs. he opens and closes his hands for a few times before he replies

 

‘good. because i like you too’

  
  


____________

  
  
  
 

 

 

 

[epilogue]

 

_‘can i kiss you’_

_‘hmmmmm, no’_

_youngmin is circling his arm around jonghyun’s small waist bringing the other closer to him. he leans down to match their height. his lips hovers just a breath away above him._

_he whispers ‘now?’ the reply he gets is jonghyun connecting their lips together and youngmin swears he can never be happier._

 

**Author's Note:**

> this happens again. i’ve been tempted to write these two in my own weird n subtle way.  
> /leave comments n kudos uwu/  
>  
> 
> a/n i want to point out that aaron real name is also youngmin so dongho thought that they were talking about aron-youngmin not youngmin-youngmin. that’s explain why he said they knew each other since high school ha ha so yeah. bye  
> (i love dongho ^^;)


End file.
